¿dónde te has perdida?

"¿Dónde te has perdida?" or Where have you lost yourself?, a phrase used too often here to mean "where have you been? why haven't I seen you recently? where did you go?" and I respond yes, I have lost myself, or tell them where exactly I lost myself, because in all actuality I knew where I was the whole time. The question used to annoy me, but like all idioms and slang I have learned it is easier to use what people will understand. So, I have lost myself for a bit, not been into the city much and not updated my blog. I have been at home, preparing and then successfully hosting an environmental fair in my town. It turned out great and the students did a wonderful job presenting various themes that I helped them prepare, and I'll try to post pictures of their expositions. Some peace corps friends helped me out on the day of the fair with all the small details (like camera work) and I might get a video out soon that showcases the day.

So that is work. The schools are getting ready for winter break and I've heard a rumor that vacation will be moved up because of the cold, it apparently is colder than normal. And yes, I am cold. My hands and toes are numbly cold and I wear a ridiculous amount of layers because I never seem to be too warm (except when i deliberately place myself in the blinding sun), so in spite of all that I wrote a list of why I love winter in the altiplano:

i can layer up my newest favorites from kantuta (used U.S. clothing market)
at sun down, i suit up in leg-warmers for the evening
i don't need a refrigerator to keep my food cold
i choose to be hot (sun) or cold (shade)
it is mandarine orange season again
the sun sets at 6pm and i don't need an excuse to hole-up in my sleeping bag
everyday is a cloudless, sunny day
the work day starts later because it is "too cold"
I get to break up the ice in my sink and hear its delicate crash when I throw it on the ground (small pleasure I get in the morning...weird I know, but you are not allowed to make fun of me).

The environmental movement seems to be trendy these days, as far as my small amount of exposure to trends can tell, and yet all the hype of "how to reduce your carbon footprint" is seemingly irrelevant for my work when I live in a culture that already does many of these things out of necessity. I have a little boy that knocks on my door to sell me fresh cow's milk, and insists he pour out the 2 liters into a container that I provide so he can reuse the bottle he brought it in. The little material I have for environmental education, I have to filter in order to not insult them with stupid comments like "make sure to turn the water faucet off when brushing teeth" (relevant only when there is running water in your faucet). I still get excited to read my newsweek articles on self-sufficient communities, and new mini-hydrogen cars, but give a huge sigh and know the world is so much bigger and diverse and there is so much wisdom in simple living rather than the highest technological contraption. However, I also find myself sticking up for technological and industry advances simply because I see the results and they are good. Sometimes my students will blurt out "get rid of all the factories and cars" as a solution to whatever problem I ask them, or even more common and simple "don't throw trash on the ground", and I pause and feel my vocabulary jam up inside my brain, not having the words to get into a deeper conversation and deeply wanting them to go further than those answers but unable to guide them there. Even so, not throwing trash on the ground is a good start.

I have felt an overwhelming sense of belonging here recently...whether its my comfort level or those of the people, I feel more welcome and more home. I walk the streets and am greeted cheerfully by name and usually a jolting surprising hug from young children "tEfany" they yell, or from older women its usually "señorita!". I think over time people have finally figured out who this weird person is and hopefully I've done something to gain respect. However at the same time, I often feel lost within myself, watching the full moon rise over the mountain full and big illuminating the earth, tracking scorpio and the upside down big dipper and the southern cross change in the night sky, still not knowing exactly what it is I'm doing here. I do know almost exactly when the sun rises and sets everyday, being in tune and having reference and reason to make it important to me (I should be home before the temperature falls too quickly and not get out of bed until I won't freeze), and I know I have to buy vegetables on monday or else I'll eat egg sandwiches all week, and I know that being there counts no matter what the occasion...and other random things of course.

But I do know I've enjoyed being 'home' meaning in my town of Huari more, and take that as a good sign. That being said, I'm gearing up for a trip to the city (Oruro, but possibly all the way to Cochabamba for the grocery store wants-peanut butter, pancake syrup-and the peace corps office-vitamins) where I can check email, post this blog, eat better food, and just have a different change of pace. I still walk places when I'm there: to the market, the bank, the post office, the phone place, restaurants, etc., and there are still frustrations with 3rd world country norms (like slow internet, and bad print quality, and unhelpful personnel), but it is a step up for being available in general. I indulge in a hot shower, sinks, refrigerators, and tv, and usually have an equally strong desire to return here (the campo..my site, my home) after a day or two where the silence can be deafening, my music and books allow me to escape into yet another world, and I try to imagine thinking about coming home home to the states and I can't seem to picture anything worth planning for. But don't worry, I'll be ready to come back, only it's not time quite yet.